Ive never thrown a surprise birthday anything before so it was kind of scary (thinking no one will come_ I always think that) and exciting. Nina helped me mostly and Tanesha was a help also. I'm happy for Those people that showed up- I love yous! It was wierd and cool how it ended up going (the plan making). It made me happy to see shawna's face get all.. Uhhh ahhh!! Or something ha.
The beg of the day I wanted to do so much but I was limited. But we went to starbucks for Internet and I bought us coffee for the day, then decided to take her to northgate to shop a little then to arayas for the din din.
Since she was 21 now I thought it would be fun to go to a bar or whatever to get a free shot bc it was her bday. She got more than that. A free shot from someone and money to buy a shot from someone and random peeople telling her happy bday . It was exciting to see that and funny kinda.
I don't know why I thought it would be different that night that maybe she would want to kinda dance at least go down there.. I shouldve known better. I should have just know that, that's just her. She doesn't dance so she says.
I'm a dancer. I love music- karaoke, dancing..esp with the one you love-- she says I can go ahead and just dance without her...I want to dance with HER. ya I could dance with my friends, but there has been times when everyone is dancing with someone and I'm stuck sitting bc I don't have anyone to dance with. I don't want to just have her sit there while I'm dancing with other people. It makes me sad. I'm tearing up thinking about it and writing this
I don't think she will ever want to. And If we're together for a long time...I have to deal with it. And go out with friends alone...I could find a friend that could go out with me for dancing...but that's stupid and I would want to dance with Shawna instead.
It might just come down to that.
Maybe someday she will start dancing with me some how. Idk how many times I've written about this. This will be my last time.
This is where we differ. I wish it wasn't.
I cried at the club a lil before we left...no one saw.
I decided we should leave if were just going to sit there. It was also my high school friends bday party at her parents house. Alice and wonderland theme. I just wanted to stop by for a minute and say hi and see the people I haven't seen in forever.
I could tell when something is wrong with Shawna. But she won't talk about it, and I have to find out through here or through a text the next day.
I couldn't sleep bc of it. I cried all night bc of it. I didn't want to cry myself to sleep. I wanted to resolve it or else i can't sleep. I don't like going to bed if were not ok. When we got home, she didn't speak and just went straight to bed. That made me sad. When I see that. I guess it was going to happen some time.
I just found out why she was being the way she was...and It makes me so mad. Just having bad experience after another and me just having to go through it....and bc of the person who caused it- cAused her to be that way And it put a damper in the night.
I'm sorry I kinda had to write out everything. Makes me feel better if I have no one to talk to. That's what a journal is for. To vent. Mind dump.
I knew before we were together. Maybe I just have to deal and live with it. Stop crying and wishing about it.
She lives a different lifestyle than I do.
Maybe I'll just go with my Brother alone tomorrow. And stop trying to get her to do things that's not her. But thats my life, thats how i roll. Is it wrong that I want to share with her it or want her to be a part of it?
Don't get me wrong- I DO UNDERSTAND being scared to dance in public. We were all probly like that at some point. Different lives, equal different outcomes.
I'm going to attempt to make her cheesecake now...
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